Shame

It is impossible to grow up a minority without downloading shame about who you are.

As children, we try to figure out who we are and how we fit into the world. Fritz Perls said, "Compare and Despair.” We want to fit in and see our reflection in our peers. If we don’t get that reflection because we are a different gender, race, sexual orientation, height, shape, hair or skin color, or visible and invisible disabilities, we are left on the outside looking in. We can even make things up to justify our shame about who we are.

When an adult tells a child they are bad, instead of saying their actions were bad, they inject shame into the child. When a child is sexually abused, they absorb the shame of the abuser, who knows on some level what they are doing is wrong.

Whether people know it or not, anything that makes us different or makes us feel different can cause us to feel shame about who and how we are.

I think the upside of shame is that it can keep us from doing things like killing or stealing that would make us feel bad about ourselves. Some personality disorders don’t feel shame. It is like they are empty inside, but they are generally experts at making others feel shameful because it can be an effective tool to control other people.